You may be asking what the hell do the above three things have in common?

Well, I’ll try to explain as best I can.

I recently met with a wonderful friend of a friend, a man who has studied Taoism for his entire life, I guess you could call him a Taoist Master. Regardless of what you call him, he is a fascinating person.

We had a wonderful conversation about many things, but the thing that stuck with me most from our conversation is that when I had asked him, “Is there one piece of advice you could give that someone could take away from Taoism without having to study it for ones entire life?”. He looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “Look at the thing you would would least like to see”. In other words, deal with the issue that you’d least like to deal with and start with that.

I knew exactly what he was talking about….something I had not wanted to deal with my entire life.

I really didn’t think it was possible for me to overcome it, by this time in my life I had decided it was too big for me to overcome. This thing, was a fear, or more like a phobia. A phobia of vomiting, otherwise known as Emetephobia.

It started when I was little, I threw up once when I was about 6 years old, nothing out of the ordinary, and looking back on it…not a big deal, but for some reason my mind decided that this was the end of the world and I must never do this again. So I developed a phobia around it, avoiding it at all cost.

It made my life hell at times, if you’ve never had a phobia or a deep fear you cannot know what it’s like. It’s like there is no hope. I would’ve rather die, than throw up.

And when I was a kid, It was so bad that I felt like I did not want to NOT have this fear, because then I might throw up, and that would be horrible. Can you explain the logic there? Cause I sure can’t.

Anyway, as I grew up, fortunately I got a lot better and it really only bothered me when being exposed to someone throwing up or hearing that someone was sick.

“Look at the thing you would would least like to see”, it kept going through my mind….I thought, maybe, just maybe I could attempt to look in that direction, maybe just dip my toes in the water?

So I decided to reach out to a friend of mine who had told me that her ex-boyfriend was one of the best councillors around, he wasn’t doing it professionally anymore, but that he knew his stuff. It just worked out that I was able to meet with him while I happened to be down in Vancouver.

I met with him at his small, dimly lit apartment….oh boy I had no idea what I was in for….

 

“Why are you afraid of throwing up?” He said.

“I dunno, maybe a lack of control…?” I said.

“When you fall off of your bike are you afraid then?” he asked.

“No…”

“So why only with vomiting are you afraid, what would it mean for you if you didn’t have this fear?”

……

What would it mean if I didn’t have this fear?…..Crap. I thought.

“If I didn’t have this fear, I uh, I guess I wouldn’t have an excuse not to be the man I know I should be, the man I know I truly am.”

“I’d have to tell people what I really believe.”

It hit me like a bell ringing throughout my being….. If I didn’t have this fear, I would have to share what I believe.

“Fears often mask an even bigger fear…” He told me.

He turned to his computer and opened an empty text file and wrote the word IDOLS in giant red letters….

…Idols….what the hell is he talking about, I don’t get it. I thought.

“You’ve been putting man above God”.

*DONG.* Another bell strikes the inside of my skull.

He’s right.

 

I’ve been avoiding being who I am. I’ve cared far too deeply what others think of me. I’ve elevated man above what I know to be true. My measurement of success has been in the eyes of man, and not within the eyes of God.

He then proceeds to tell me that my subconscious created this fear, to act as an alarm clock.

An alarm clock to wake myself up, as it had been masking an even deeper fear, a fear of a loss of self.

For if I am to be my true self, to follow God…to walk the path; My old self must die…and that is terrifying.

I must be willing to step into the darkness and let my light be seen. I must be willing to put all my cards on the table, and fail. This, I know to be true.

I walked into this man’s basement-like apartment thinking I was going to be working on a fear of throwing up, and came out knowing that if I’m to be who I wish to be, I must not put man above God and that my fear was ultimately a fear of a loss of self. Which when you realize that you are not your mind, and you are not your body, you realize that you cannot lose yourself, for you are a choice. A choice that is choosing this moment over all others, so why fear something you are chosing?

It reminds me of a quote from my favourite actor, Jim Carrey:

“Life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you. How do I know this? I don’t, but I’m making sound, and that’s the important thing. That’s what I’m here to do. Sometimes, I think that’s the only thing that is important. Just letting each other know we’re here, reminding each other that we are part of a larger self.”

So you might be asking, am I still afraid of throwing up? Well…after this meeting I felt the need to face my fear, and so I made myself throw up.

Now, If you’re an emetephobe reading this, please don’t fear. I can assure you, a week before this I would not have thought it possible for me to do this. I would have rather jumped into a raging river than make myself throw up. How I was able to do this I don’t know, but I can say that, for the lack of a better word…without God it could not have been done. Without the recent revelations of the past few days it would not have been possible.

Now I’m also not going to say it was easy, because it wasn’t. But it was bearable…and you can get there too, trust me. It’s worth it.

It’s not real, it really isn’t. You keep telling yourself a lie, and once you realize this it will look very different to you.

I’d also like to take a moment to clarify some of the statements I’ve made, namely what I mean by God or “to walk the path”. Many of you know me as a very scientific person, and while this is true, I am also a very spiritual person. When I speak of God, I am not speaking of a bearded man in the sky, I am speaking of something that which does not fit inside the mind, something greater than us all.

If you have not experienced what I am talking about, it likely won’t make sense to you…it’s not something that can be imparted easily with words, although I may try to explain further in a future post. I know this must be frustrating and you might think I’m trying to avoid the definition of God being put in a box, well, truthfully I am. I do not believe God fits inside a box, let alone the mind.

And when I say to “walk the path” I do not speak of any such specific roadway that one must go down, I do not believe that I for example could tell you what your path should be. But, if you were to ask me what I think that path looks like..I would say,  look at the life of Christ, for it is the best example I can provide you with.

Please be careful, as it is easy to interpret what I say so that it is pleasing to you, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that we must look at the thing we wish not to see.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this story, my deepest desire is that it will help you on your journey, that you will have the courage to face your darkest fears, and that God will be at your side as you destroy the pieces of yourself that no longer serve you.

Much Love, Truth, and Light to you.

– Om

If you are Emetephobic, and need some guidance please please find someone to help you as having someone to help you can make a world of difference, and for that matter I’d be happy to help you or anyone with any fear or phobia…I do not claim to be a professional at all but if I can provide you with some guidance I will.

“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.” – Richard Bach