Love is the answer. Always. Anything else will fall short,

I recently had a very intense experience. In my first (oldest) blog post you’ll see that it describes an experience of me facing my (emetophobia) fear of throwing up …and actually making myself throw up. Well, I need to clarify that I didn’t ACTUALLY throw up, I made my self gag, but didn’t really get anything out. At the time I thought this was essentially the same thing, and it felt like a MASSIVE accomplishment and like I had beaten the fear….overtime however I noticed this fear creep back into my life, and not at ALL to the extent that it had ruled my life before, but there was still an underlying “hum” and perceived lack of freedom, but all in all I’d say my life improved about 95% in this area from that one experience. But the underlying thought was something like, maybe I didn’t really fully experience what throwing up is like, and maybe I couldn’t handle actually throwing up….

Recently a friend and I were discussing our spiritual journeys and she mentioned a practice she had done where she had made herself throw up by drinking tons of water every morning for 3 weeks as a cleansing practice and to overcome her fear of it. She said this entirely solved it for her. As she was speaking, I realized I was having a reaction to hearing this, and the more I thought of it, I realized I really wasn’t “free” from this fear at all. I wanted liberation. So I thought maybe this drinking water trick is the key to making myself actually throw up and so I decided after a very intense battle with myself to give it a shot. I drank a ton of water, and I felt nauseous, and then I tried to make myself throw up, I tried, hard. But still nothing, and the fear was almost unbearable this time, actually I would say maybe worse than the first time. It didn’t work…I felt awful. Utterly defeated. Like I was going to be stuck with this fear forever..and now far worse, this feeling of self-loathing and utter failure.

Fortunately I have learned a number of practices for situations like this that have helped me tremendously. One of them is called “Life Recapitulation” – I created a document showing how to do this practice (I’ve modified the practice to fit my own style, take it with a grain of salt). I really cannot recommend it highly enough. (Link at the bottom of the post).

So I sat down and started to do the recapitulation breathing practice, initially the fear and feeling of defeat and helplessness were at about 9.5/10. As I started breathing and rotating my head I noticed a memory associated with vomiting appear, I was about 12 and I felt like I was going to throw up, and was terrified. My mom said something like “just let it out!”. As I kept playing through the memory, the fear was still very intense. After about 5 minutes of playing through the memory and doing the breathing I had a realization….that when my mom was saying “just let it out”…I interpreted that as “you are not ok the way you are, and you need to get over this”. As I had this realization I immediately started crying and realized that all I wanted in that moment was for my mom to just be with me, and to love me.

I then realized I needed to forgive my mom and see it from her side, as she was just trying to help me in the way she knew best….I can’t even imagine what it’s like being a mother to a child in such intense fear and not knowing how to help.

The fear and self-loathing subsided almost immediately.

I also then realized that by me attempting to confront my fear, I was on some level also saying to myself “you are not ok the way you are, and you need to get over this”. I needed ME to just love me.

Feeling much better I went to sleep, but still with a lingering dissapointment “What an amazing realization!…But I’ve still kind of failed haven’t I?”

The next morning I woke up still processing what had happened the night before.

I then took out my journal and wrote this:

“I am not willing to give up on beating this fear Lord – It feels like my cross to bear. If I have this weakness then I am not good, and have nothing to give – no victory…no story…nothing. I need to be a hero. And if I have nothing to give….then I guess I need Jesus…so why am I here Jesus?”

He says to me: “TO LOVE”

“Am I not here to be a hero Lord?”

“BY LOVING YOU WILL BE THE GREATEST HERO. BUT NOT BY YOUR OWN STRENGTH.”

“MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU. FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS.”

A flood of the most intense peace came over me, a Love like no other. Christ’s.

As Paul says: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest upon me.”

When the smoke clears and I experience a Ray of Light from the Creator….NOTHING else comes close. When the words of Christ touch my soul…all the other thoughts, beliefs, practices seem so small, petty, and utterly useless. No amount of accomplishment or worldly goods come close to the feeling of Christ entering my being. It is beyond all else. And It becomes abundantly clear that He is the answer. As it has been…is now, and will always be.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Mathew 11:28-30

Much Love,

Om

P.S. (I’m sorry it took me a while to post this, I was too ashamed to share this to the world – but here it is – I hope it can be of help to you – this was written back in May of 2024)

Here is a link to the recapitulation exercise I mentioned, it has been modified for my own use, please use at your own risk:

Life Recapitulation Exercise